Saturday, July 25, 2009


is a must in every good relationship. But I will get back to that statement in just a moment. First I want to start at the beginning...Beginning of what you ask? Well my story of course! LOL
When I was 15 my mom moved our family away from the town I grew up in, away from my best friend turned sister, and away from everything I knew. Within probably 3 months I was skipping school to sleep, never getting out of bed, and crying all the time. My mom immediately took me to see a doctor whom diagnosed me with depression. I was put on medication, Zoloft if I am not mistaken, and I started doing counseling. Fast forward about 12 years. I still suffer from depression. However, now it is much much worse than it was then. I have been on countless different medications, been hospitalized, in therapy, and just plain suffered. And in addition to that depression I also suffer from severe anxiety problems. So, my doctor put me on Paxil. Then, about 3 weeks ago when my anxiety was getting worse she upped the dose. Now, my anxiety is getting better but my depression is still doing very very bad. I need to call her and see what she recommends.
I will admit, most days I am very down, but I force my self to put a smile on my face and try and act cheery. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. For the last few days it has not been working. Friday was the worst. I have noticed that when I do not get enough sleep it gets worse, so I am assuming that because I have been up since noon on Thursday with only MAYBE 2 hours of sleep snuck in there, that's part of my problem. On Thursday nite I totally shut down. Refused to talk to anyone, in particular Scott. He didn't know what was going on and I didn't know what to tell him. He knows about my depression and anxiety but I didn't know how to say, yes baby I am having a really rough day, just give me time. So the result was about 3? hours of absolutely NO communication between us. NOT good. So moving on to Friday, I spent alot of the day down, and crying.I was feeling as though there was something wrong with my relationship, that we had hit a road block of sorts. All I wanted was to be in Scott's arms where I feel the safest. So finally that's exactly where I went. I still felt that said roadblock was there but I just assumed it was my depression. But I was wrong, oh boy was I wrong!! Which leads me back to my opening statement.
Communication is a must in every good relationship. And Scott and I haven't been communicating very well lately. There is things he does that annoy me, and there are things I do that annoy him. For example, hanging up on him. Which I find my self doing ALOT lately! It makes me feel like a terrible girlfriend! So then why do I do it? Well of course...because Scott does things that annoys me! So tonite we finally realized that we weren't communicating very well and agreed that we need to do so. So Saturday nite when he comes to stay the nite we are going to do some serious talking about where our relationship stands, and the things that each of us needs to change to make our relationship work.
But anyways, its 4:30 in the morning so I must get to bed, I have a busy day a head of me and I am freaking tired!
I am sure there is errors in this post so I will try and get back and reread it after I have had some sleep...

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