Friday, July 31, 2009

September 14

is the big day! The day that I will FINALLY be divorced! I can NOT wait! I am glad that I have a final date but it sucks because it is so far away.
I am just glad I have a date!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Summer Fun

Today is the 30th of July. This is significant because 29 days ago Nate was served his divorce papers. That means that as of yesterday he defaulted, which means that he is not contesting the divorce. So tomorrow, we are driving to Grand Haven to file the paper work and schedule the final hearing. I am super excited! I can not wait to be divorced. How many people say that???????
Also when we are in Grand Haven tomorrow we are going to enjoy the nice day, Coast Guard Festival is going on and we are going to check that out. It should be fun.
AND THEN...On Tuesday Scott, Hayley, Stephanie, and I are going to Michigan's Adventure. Everyone is really excited to go and have lots of fun. They open at 11 and we are going to spend the entire day there. Remind me to bring some sunscreen..LOL I doubt I will. I don't mind the sun. They have so many cool rides and we are going to try and go on everything that won't scare the crap out of us. LOL There is some rides that I can not nor will not even attempt to go on. Some of the roller coasters for example. Tho Scott and I are going to go on the cork screw. I haven't been on that ride in YEARS!
So yes, we are going to be having lots of fun in the upcoming days. And my favorite park is that Monday nite Scott is coming to stay the nite so that I don't have to go to Hudsonville on Tuesday morning. I am super excited, I can't wait to spend the nite in his arms. =)

Dr. Visit...

So I went to the doctor this morning. Was running late and stressed about it and it caused my blood pressure to be high..something like 132/94 or something like that. I told the nurse to check it again before I leave because I knew it would go back down. Part of the "agreement" to going on birth control was that my blood pressure had to not be high anymore. And normally its fine. So she checked it again right before I left and it was like 127/74? I don't remember for sure but she said it was normal.
I got a prescription for Wellbutrin for my depression. She offered to take me off Paxil and do something else but the Paxil controls my anxiety. So I am staying on that and adding the Wellbutrin. Only time will tell if this combination of medications will work. Please pray it does. I am tired of having so many bad days.
I have a few other thing I want to blog about so I will start a new post..Maybe right now or maybe later...But probably right now..LOL

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Bad day

Yup, today is a bad day. I had 3 good days and now a bad day. Hopefully it won't last long....I do know what I need to do to make it a little bit better but I am refusing..Isn't that terrible???? I don't deserve to live like this. I hate living like this. I hate that my brain is wired wrong and as a result I will spend the rest of my life on medication or being miserable.
And to top it off, Hayley saw HER therapist today. Finally, I have a diagnose. She has an adjustment disorder with depression and anxiety. Poor kid, inherited her mom's depression and anxiety.
So yes, its been a bad day.

Saturday, July 25, 2009


is a must in every good relationship. But I will get back to that statement in just a moment. First I want to start at the beginning...Beginning of what you ask? Well my story of course! LOL
When I was 15 my mom moved our family away from the town I grew up in, away from my best friend turned sister, and away from everything I knew. Within probably 3 months I was skipping school to sleep, never getting out of bed, and crying all the time. My mom immediately took me to see a doctor whom diagnosed me with depression. I was put on medication, Zoloft if I am not mistaken, and I started doing counseling. Fast forward about 12 years. I still suffer from depression. However, now it is much much worse than it was then. I have been on countless different medications, been hospitalized, in therapy, and just plain suffered. And in addition to that depression I also suffer from severe anxiety problems. So, my doctor put me on Paxil. Then, about 3 weeks ago when my anxiety was getting worse she upped the dose. Now, my anxiety is getting better but my depression is still doing very very bad. I need to call her and see what she recommends.
I will admit, most days I am very down, but I force my self to put a smile on my face and try and act cheery. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. For the last few days it has not been working. Friday was the worst. I have noticed that when I do not get enough sleep it gets worse, so I am assuming that because I have been up since noon on Thursday with only MAYBE 2 hours of sleep snuck in there, that's part of my problem. On Thursday nite I totally shut down. Refused to talk to anyone, in particular Scott. He didn't know what was going on and I didn't know what to tell him. He knows about my depression and anxiety but I didn't know how to say, yes baby I am having a really rough day, just give me time. So the result was about 3? hours of absolutely NO communication between us. NOT good. So moving on to Friday, I spent alot of the day down, and crying.I was feeling as though there was something wrong with my relationship, that we had hit a road block of sorts. All I wanted was to be in Scott's arms where I feel the safest. So finally that's exactly where I went. I still felt that said roadblock was there but I just assumed it was my depression. But I was wrong, oh boy was I wrong!! Which leads me back to my opening statement.
Communication is a must in every good relationship. And Scott and I haven't been communicating very well lately. There is things he does that annoy me, and there are things I do that annoy him. For example, hanging up on him. Which I find my self doing ALOT lately! It makes me feel like a terrible girlfriend! So then why do I do it? Well of course...because Scott does things that annoys me! So tonite we finally realized that we weren't communicating very well and agreed that we need to do so. So Saturday nite when he comes to stay the nite we are going to do some serious talking about where our relationship stands, and the things that each of us needs to change to make our relationship work.
But anyways, its 4:30 in the morning so I must get to bed, I have a busy day a head of me and I am freaking tired!
I am sure there is errors in this post so I will try and get back and reread it after I have had some sleep...

Thursday, July 23, 2009

A little over due and HARRY POTTER alert LOL

I should have blogged before now. So much has happened that I really wanted to get down....For starters the 22nd marked 2 months for Scott and I. WOW! It honestly feels like its been a year or something. He is honestly the most wonderfully, amazing, romantic boyfriend. And I tell him that all the time. I just can't believe that he chose me.
Second, on Monday Scott and I went and saw the new Harry Potter movie. It was really good. A little boring at times. Oh and the book was WAY better than the movie. Which is normal, especially for Harry Potter. It is really hard to get some of the effects and what not. There is some things that were never mentioned in the movie that they probably should have purely because of the last movies. But hey, by them not being in the 6th movie means that the 7th (and 8th) movies don't need them either. But still....Book 7 had some serious events happen that I just don't see them being able to not have in the movie....
Anyways, I know I wanted to blog about some other things but its almost 5 am and I am freaking exhausted! Nite nite, and I will try to update again soon. I am honestly really bad at this.

~~OH! and I know I said I would blog about being hit but I just don't want to drag it up. I just need to let it go.~~

Monday, July 20, 2009

NOT My Child Monday...

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Well this one should be interesting!!!! There is a lot of things I can say about my darling 6 year old and the things she does NOT do....

For example:
  • Hayley most certainly does NOT watch a movie every nite for bed. And it is NOT on repeat all nite and as a result mommy does NOT know all the lyrics to every song in Highschool Musical 2 & 3
  • And she does NOT wear the same clothes 2 days in a row, that would be kinda gross! At least she always changes her underwear!
  • Also she does NOT sleep in her underwear every nite even tho she has a million pairs of p.j. Nope, NOT my kid!!!
  • Oh and lets not forget, She is most definitly NOT spoiled by grandma, nope NOT my kid!
  • hmm and every day she does NOT drag a million blankets outside to play so mommy does NOT have to constantly wash blankets
  • Lets see, my child did NOT take the HUGE bag of Rice Krispies and bring them to my room this morning because she wanted breakfast, so there is now NOT a trail of them leading all the way from the kitchen to my bed side...Nope NOT my child.....

Gosh there is so much more I think I could tell you that my daughter did not do but honestly? I am having one of those days. Things have gotten really really intense at home and I can't think clearly..Oh and the pounding headache I have from being hit acrossed the back of the head doesn't help. Yes, I said I was hit....I will blog about it in a min..or when my headache calms down....

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Zoo Pictures

My favorite picture is the ring tailed lemurs. They are soooo cute!!!!! I want one! But the sign on their cage says they bite, so I would guess that means they won't make a very good pet! =(


So it's Sunday today. I haven't blogged in days. I have tried to start a couple posts but didn't get very far. That will teach me to not blog at 3 am when I am really tired. I am still tired now and its 1:30 in the afternoon. I almost fell asleep at Scott's house last night, and the night before that I DID fall asleep.
It's getting harder and harder to drive home and go to bed, when all I want to do is stay with him. I think between him and I yesterday we said no less than 10 times how we can't wait to have our own place, or how we wish we already had our own place. I think some people, like my mom, and some random people, think we are crazy for talking about moving in together already. But what no one realizes is that yes, its been 2 months, BUT to us, it feels like its been so much longer. A year at least. ;)
He is honestly, the most romantic boyfriend. He says and does the sweetest things. I just can't believe how happy I am. I never thought love could or would feel this way.....

EDIT: Tonite (sunday nite) Scott and I were discussing the whole living together thing and I am guessing that it will be many months before I move out of my mom's house....So its not like we are moving in together tomorrow or anything. LOL Maybe next summer? I donno. I think that if I stay here for another year it will give me a chance to save money and maybe, just maybe, put a down payment on a house or something. I would really like that. Only time will tell.....

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


Yes, it hurts very badly. Yes there is a little lighter patch on my left shoulder that you can't see very well, because that is where my tattoo is, and I put special sunblock on my tattoo...
Yes you can see right where my bathing suit straps lay but only in spots because the straps don't stay up well at all....

Scott, Hayley, Stephanie, and I went to Potter Park zoo yesterday with Sylvia. It was awesome! Very busy, and very warm out. But we had a blast. Stephanie & Sylvia took Hayley with them so Scott and I could really enjoy the zoo. There was certainly more animals there than at John Ball Zoo. I took a bunch of pics and will upload some later. After we left the zoo, we were there for 3 hrs, we went to Hawk Island Park for lunch and swimming. That was a lot of fun too. By the time we left at 5:30 I was this red, in pain, and exhausted. At about 5 I dozed off sitting at a table. Then last nite I was in bed really early. Well at least early for me....hehe

Friday, July 10, 2009

Almost 2 days now....

Since Nate got out of jail. I had a panic attack waiting for him to come get his stuff but haven't had any since then. My mom was able to serve him his divorce papers the day he got out so that means that we can finalize any time after the 2nd of August. That will be nice. I want to finish this so I can really move on with my life. When Nate was here getting his stuff he left me all the letters and stuff that I sent him. So Wed. afternoon Scott and I went to Timbertown and burned it all in one of the grills. It was theraputic...And once the divorce is final I will go back and burn all the letters he sent me.