Just random thoughts....

Just an FYI this is a prewritten post that I scheduled to run while I'm gone.

I miss my dad. ALL the time. He's never far from my mind. This has been so hard and I don't see it getting any better any time soon. How do I live with this?

On Friday Dec 28 I meet with an old friend. We met at Starbucks and spend 1/2 hour chatting. I needed that. I needed to make peace with an old situation. And I really feel like things are all better now. On a side note I had a salted caramel mocha. mince the sea salt off the top. It was okay. Didn't settle well with my stomach but I'd drink it again.

Ive found my self in some situations that don't really settle well with me. I wish I could explain but I know that any way I try to blog it it won't come out right. I just wish that I had the wisdom to know how to handle these things.

I've mostly decided that after the new year I am going to start going to church. This has been a long decision coming and I know that it is the right thing for me and my family. I have found a church that I am thinking of attending. It just happens to be the church that Hayley goes to on Wednesday night for JAMS. My only concern right now is Scott. I am not sure what his opinion is on the matter and I don't want it to cause any problems.

As of writing this I am 3 days late...I don't think I'm pregnant..I did a test today. But last time it was like 2 weeks later before I finally got a positive test. I do have a few symptoms that are kinda nerve wracking but only time will tell. I have to say this getting pregnant stuff is hard work! ;)
Edited to add:So much for being late.  I finally started on Sunday. Oh the pain! I am def. calling my doctor about this pain! Just as soon as I get home.

Thanks for sticking with me..Heres to hoping that 2013 brings an incline in blog posts and perhaps a incline in followers? ;)

Sara

Locks of Love

Friday Hayley and I went to get our hair cut. This was a special trip because we had been growing our hair for just this moment.

                                                                 Hayley before

                                                        me before

                                                              ready to chop those locks...

                                                         Its soooo SHORT!!

                                                                   Hayley and her ponytails

                                                    Isn't it cute?


So that is how we spent our Friday afternoon....donating our hair to Locks of Love.

A (picture filled) update....

                                                                   Santa came to visit!!

                                                          Hayley by the tree when she got home from her dads...

                                                                  All of Hayley's gifts...
Christmas has come and gone..and finally there is snow on the ground. Hayley got tons of new things as the pictures show. My mom thankfully had the day off from work so my brother and his son came over. Unfortunately my nephew was super sick! 101.1 fever rosy checks and a nasty cough!!

And then the next day my mom woke up super sick!! But because we wanted to get it done she went out with Hayley and I to the hair cut place. Sadly her hair wasn't long enough to donate and there was a 45 mins wait so we left with plans for Hayley and I to return the next day or so...
And Friday we made that happen. But I'm going to start a new post...Locks of Love deserves their own post....
Sara

Bummer

My internet is down here at home til next Thursday. If I remember I will see if i can use my friends internet for a real update! One with pics and everything!

Cookies Galore...

Thats whats over here! Hayley and I have been baking up a storm!!! So far we have made peanut butter blossoms, mixed nut brittle, root beer float cookies (yummy!), and today 5 layer bars. I have taken tons of photos (with my phone) so when I get a chance to get pictures off my phone I will blog pics!!
Sara
P.S. I still have tons of things to make before Christmas, mint oreo truffles, chocolate chip cookies, m&m cookies,  and peanut butter reindeer cookies!!!

Woohoo!

Found out yesterday B does NOT have cancer!!!! Wonderful news and everyone can breathe again. What is turned out to be has a name I can not remember nor could I spell it. There is a possibility it might grow back. But maybe not. She will have a follow up CT Scan in 3 months and then every year after that.
Thank you to everyone that prayed for little B!
Sara

So unreal!

Friday marks one month since my dad passed away. The pain doesnt seem to be getting any better and just feels so unreal.
One month ago I was still living up north. Missing my family and knew the end was nearing. Now I am missing him like crazy :(
Sara

An update...

Today was surgery day for I'll call her B. I was at the hospital by 10:30 this morning and they took her back at 1ish. They told us to expect surgery to take anywhere from 2 hrs to 6 hrs with their guess being 4 hours. Imagine our surprise when we got word 2 hours in that the tumor was out and B was doing really well. We were just waiting for the initial pathology report to come in.
Good news is they don't think its cancer. Won't know for sure til at least Tuesday so they are just playing the waiting game. The bad news was they were only able to remove 98% of the tumor. It turns out it was attached to the main artery for the small intestine. So they had to leave part of it. And that means it could possibly grow back. Again, will know more on Tuesday.
Please keep praying as this is a really rough time for Tim, Jill and all 4 of their kids....
Sara

Can you pray please?

If you could can you please pray for my best friends Tim and Jill and their family. Last night Tim took their 7 yr old to the ER for severe abdominal pain and by noon today  they were told that their daughter has a tumor bigger than a softball and smaller than a cantalope between her spleen and intestines. They are going to operate tomorrow. If the doctor decides its cancer while he is in there they will be placing a port in her chest for chemo. If they can't tell without a biopsy then it will probably be Tuesday before they have any answers.
Please pray for them and their family thru this difficult time.
Sara

Family Photo

                                           Our 3rd family photo...taken Thanksgiving Day

Still here..

Cant really type much...apparently I have carpel tunnel..LOL I already knew it but they have my hand in a brace for 10 days to see if it helps. If not probably gonna need surgery...

Today...

Im thankful for my loving family and everything they do
Im thankful that I got to spend my dads last 3 weeks of life with,him
Im thankful that Hayley is feeling better
Im thankful to be alive!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just wanted to pop in and say hi.

R.I.P. Dad

At approximately 4:30 a.m. this morning my father was called home. Thankfully it was painless(thanks to wonderful meds) and about 12 hours after my last post. He isn't suffering anymore and for that I am grateful. The last 12 hours were probably the hardest of all. He was suffering from terminal restlessness and we could hardly keep him in bed even though technically he should have been basically unconscious. Thanks to our wonderful Hospice nurse we were eventually able to get him to sleep and at 5 a.m. I was awoken by my neice, who had reason to believe he was gone.
I have to admit going in and checking was hard but at the same time peaceful. But there was other even harder moments.
Thank you for all your prayers.
Sara

The end is near...

Please pray it is painless and soon so he is no longer suffering...

Still hanging on

This has been tough. So tough. I've learned there are things I can do that I never thought I could.
But for now we are hanging on...if you could please pray for us!
Thanks,
Sara

8 days...

Is how long I was gone from my house. 3 is the number of days I will be home. In the 8 days I was gone I was able to spend tons of time with my dad. Helping him everyday. Things have definitely declined but for the moment he is stable and fighting.
For the moment I am going to relax with my husband and finally get some sleep!
Sara

Monday

Monday is the day I leave. I will wait for Hayley to come home from school and then I will take off.  I promised Hayley tonite when we were talking that I would come home for Halloween. As long as my dad is stable enough for me to be gone I will be home for 3 days. Then when I go back up I will bring Hayley and Scott for a night. Then after they leave it will be back to just waiting. And praying...for peace and acceptance. This is going to be very hard.

Sadness

Is creeping over me tonite. I had a phone call with my sister that left us both bawling. Its a long story but to sum it up things have gotten worse with my dad. We have been advised to bring him home and make him comfortable. They are saying no more than 6 weeks.
So as soon as he is home I am moving in with them to spend as much time with him as I can.  They don't have internet and phone service is pretty crappy up there but I will try to blog when I can. If I can. I'm scared and sad and just plain not ready to lose my daddy.
Please pray for us.

Big things..

Big things are in the works! I dont have enough info to say too much yet, but as soon as i do I will be sure to blog.
Its a big thing and it could lead to even bigger things!

We remember..

We will always remember our precious little angel 6~7~12

Emotionally Attached...

Apparently im emotionally  attached. I just dont get it.

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Edited to add: Its pretty darn hard to get emotionally attached to something that isn't even there. Thats okay it made me realize a few things. Maybe now life can return to normal.

Today

I'm feeling a little better today. I can sense the anger but it doesn't feel as overhelming. My upcoming trip might have something to do with it...
The bad thing is my throat really hurts right now. I hope I'm not getting sick!

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My upcoming trip...among other things...

In just 3 (or is it technically 2 now?) days I am going to my dads. He doesn't live all that far away, only 1 1/2 hrs. But this trip is special. Why? Because I am going up there Thursday morning and staying uptil Friday sometime. The first bad  thing is I am being dropped off and will have to depend on other people to get around. The 2nd is my dads not even there. For the past 3 weeks he has been in a nursing home recovering from surgery to repair a broken hip. Thankfully he had a really good surgeon and is now recovering nicely. 

However, my dad saw his cancer dr. and they told him they found some questionable spots on his lungs and his cancer marker is going up. Not a good sign. So they have decided to start doing I.V.  chemo instead of pill chemo. BUT they aren't starting it before he goes home in another 3 weeks or so, AND we are meeting with the dr to discuss things. Statistics specifically, to decide if doing I.V. chemo is even worth doing. We already know that he will never be cured. 

So I am going to spend 2 days up north spending as much time with my dad as I can. It's so worth it. And as for the drive? Thats worth it too. 

Sara

So angry....

Thats how I feel right now. I don't really know why I am so angry I just know that I feel so angry. And lost and emotional. *sigh*

There's so much going on and my heart is so heavy. I just don't know where to turn to. I desperately need a therapist, but I don't have insurance coverage. I know that if I could just talk to someone openly and honestly that I would feel better. Or maybe a good old fashion karate/boxing lesson. *Sigh*

I sit here and I wish I knew what to do. Deep down I know the answer to one issue but its the execution that I'm struggling with. I don't want to do it. It would hurt too much. I'm a wreck!

I know this post seems totally off the wall just bouncing all over and for that I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Sara

Sorry...

I've been away for a long time. But everyone and everything is okay. Mostly anyways. Hayley is loving 5th grade and I can't believe she will be in middle school next year!
Other than that I've got a lot on my mind. Nothing I can blog about (of course!!! LOL) but something none the less.
S

5th grade

The Silence...

It's 4:14 in the morning and I am sitting in bed blogging. Outside of my room is total silence and darkness. This is unusual for two reasons. The first is that every night Hayley is home there is at least one light on. The second is Hayley's radio isn't playing. Again unusual because Hayley always listens to the radio at night. So where is Hayley? Friday night Hayley left to go spend 9 days at her dad's house. 
This is sad for many reasons. Too many to list really. But the thing is Hayley doesn't want to be there. She wants to be at home. She doesn't like going there, but yet I still HAVE to make her go. I don't like it. I don't like seeing my nine year crying and screaming about not wanting to go to daddy's. 
I wish there was something I could do about this. It happens all the time but yet unless I want to face getting into trouble with the court I have to keep sending her. 
I miss my princess already and can't wait for her to come home!!
Sara

More Honeymoon pictures...

Slow down summer...

I sure wish I could. Before long Hayley will be starting 5th grade. How did that happen?? It seems like just yesterday I was pregnant with her. And now, she is turning 10, going into 5th grade and summer is almost over.
Next Friday Hayley leaves for her dad's house for 9 days. Yikes, poor kid. I don't think she realizes it's going to be 9 days. I think she might think its just for 7 days. And believe me, 7 is hard enough for her, 9 is going to be very difficult. I have already purchased her packages. One for every day she is going to be gone. Its a tradition we have done for 2 years now. When ever she has to go for more than a weekend, I go, usually to the dollar store, and get a little present for everyday. Something fun, or in next weeks case, something crafty. She will definitely be busy. 
Scott and I have been married for 2 weeks today. I can't believe it's already been 2 weeks. Time is just flying. Things are going great. We had a great honeymoon, I failed to take many pictures during so I will upload a few.
Anyways, thats my update!
Sara

Just a few pictures....

Just one more day....

Thats how long before the wedding. I am super excited. Things are mostly ready. Tomorrow (or later today lol) is our rehearsal dinner. 
On that note I am off to bed!

Almost finished...

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card box

Thats the project I was working on today. Its been fun....

                                                                     the top after I spray painted it

                                                   looks can be deceiving...this is really as dark as the top...

Those are the only 2 pics I have on my computer right now but I'll do a post from my phone with the completed (almost LOL) box. We just need to cut the hole in the top and finish that up, which we will do tomorrow.

Only 3 more days!!!!
Sara

Flowers...finally!

                                                                       the bottom of my bouquet

                                                                  the top

                                                               My maid of honor and bridesmaids flowers..

                                                              and one final shot of my flowers...

Aren't they pretty? I made them my self. Took me about an hour. I absolutely LOVE them, and you can't tell that the brown used to be off white and that my mom spray painted them. Don't ask....
Sara

P.S. The material laying under my flowers in the 4th picture is what my bridesmaids are wearing...they are 9 and 10 so its a fun pattern for them!

The kittens...finally

Arent they adorable? I wish i could get a pic of them all together now...

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Here I Am...

Here I am..Its been a few days. Sorry about that. LOL I'm not very good at remembering to blog. So then when I do blog it ends up being a ton of random crap thrown together. So here we go...
Our wedding is in 22 days!!! I can't wait. Things are all falling into place and I am super excited. We have some super fun plans for our "honeymoon" Fun things like an amusement park, the zoo, the beach...Hayley will be with her dad and my mom will be gone at the cabin so it will be just me, Scott, the cats and the rabbit.
And speaking of cats...I can't remember if I blogged about it or not but 6 weeks ago our cat gave birth to 5 beautiful kittens. She almost died and we are thankful everyday for the vet that saved my cats life. Anyways, so now we have 5 six week old kittens running around our house. Fun? Sometimes...Most of the time its just a pain in the butt. They get into everything!!! When I am done typing this I will do a post from my phone with a picture of the kittens when they were really little. They don't sit still so well anymore!
Anyways, I have tons of other things I would love to blog about but I must get to bed its late and I have to be up early...
Sara

Still here...

Been dealing with computer problems. My goal for the next 2 days is to get all my important stuff off this computer onto the other one so that I can send this one in to be repaired. I'm gonna miss it. BUT thankfully they are giving me a loaner one so I can still get online. I just hope that doesn't take long.

Other than that things are okay. The wedding is a month away and I am getting super excited. Dresses are moving right along, despite the fact that my mom has had food poisoning for a week now.  RSVPs are slowly coming in...

Anyways, I better get my butt in bed. Im exhausted!!
Sara

The Big 3-0!

30...WOW
Its late and thats all I got!

Can You Believe It?

Only 39 days until the wedding!! I can't believe it. When we started planning the wedding we were at about 100 days...There really isn't much left to do. Okay thats a lie. LOL Heres my list...

• Spray paint my carnations (don't ask)
• Assemble all the bouquets 
• Order our cake (this Friday hopefully)
• Pick up random things for the reception
• And most importantly my mom still has to finish the dresses...
• Oh and I need to decorate our card box. I still am not sure how I'm going to do that but I'll it out soon. 

So that's my list. And I have 39 days to complete everything....
I can do it. =)

At Peace

Yes, my pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Yes, I am unbelievably sad about this, but yet at the same time I feel peaceful. I know that this baby wasn't meant to be and  I will mourn this loss for a while.
Friday I had more blood work done. I was able to call the lab with in 2 hours and find out my results. Thankfully, it appears, both by lab work and by my body doing what its meant to do, that everything is going to happen naturally. No surgery necessary. From Wednesday to Friday my HcG level went from 44.6 to 16.9.
Also yesterday my OB called me personally and we had a nice chat. She did say I need to have one normal period before we can try again. And we will be trying again. We are both in agreement that while we mourn the loss of our baby we still want to try again. It's important to us.
Thank you to everyone that reads, this has been a sad week and I'm thankful that I have some where to turn to.
Sara

P.S. Our wedding is fast approaching! Only 42 more days!!!

"See You Then"

44.6

I haven't stopped crying since the lab told me my results. I called my dr but she was out of the office so they were going to try and get her a message. Hopefully she calls me soon. This waiting stuff is for the birds.
So as of right now I am going to assume that I am going to lose the baby. Its not fair. We want this baby so bad.
So if you don't hear from me for a few days its because I am dealing with this.

Worried

I had my first HcG draw yesterday. I called this morning for the number. It was 47.5. I am supposed to be 6 weeks today. I think that number sounds way to low. Maybe I'm not as far along as I thought I was. Hopefully everything turns out okay. I have to go tomorrow for my repeat draw.
I'm not gonna lie, I am scared. I have cried over this all day. (Darn emotions!!) I don't want to lose this baby. They did tell me as long as my level doubles that everything should be okay. Hopefully.
Wish me luck.

5w 6d

And before I explode, even though tons of people already know, I need to announce it here, because I'm not ready to announce it to Facebook. 

Saturday Scott and I found out that after 10 months of trying, and less than 2 months before our wedding, that we are pregnant!!!!

I'm still in shock, been cramping a lot for the last week so naturally I'm freaking out, and can't wait to call my OB/GYN in the morning. My regular doctor, who confirmed the pregnancy for me took me off all my meds til I see her. I'm hoping they can squeeze me in this week for lab work and hopefully an U/S. 

Its funny because I kept saying I didn't want to get pregnant before the wedding, in fact I was getting ready to go back on the pill. All I was waiting for was my period to start...

So that's my news of the day!!!!

Sara

I'm still here!

Been super busy and have tons to blog about but for tonite all I got is 54 days til the wedding!!!

Ads...

Ahh! I can't figure them out! I have had them for a  while but have yet to make any money with them. Granted I didn't blog for a long time but I have been blogging pretty regularly since we announced our wedding plans.
Weird. Does anyone know why that is? I'm confused lol.
Sara

Scott & I

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Yesterday

Yesterday I, along with my friend, drove 3 hours across the state. What should have been a 3 hour drive took nearly 4 hours due to construction. It took us 45 minutes to go 5 miles. How frustrating! Thankfully, we arrived with with just 15 minutes to spare.
And where was it that we went? We traveled all that way so that I could attend the memorial service for my bestest friend ever. I was hoping that attending said service would give me some closure. Help me to realize that he is really gone and that I can't just pick up with phone and call him. I miss him so much.... =(
I didn't get that closure. I left with a ton of regret. Regret that I didn't go and see him. I had a chance, was all set to go and then got word that I couldn't go. I almost cried. And then yesterday I found out that I could have gone. It was all a misunderstanding. One that ultimately leaves me with terrible regret.

I miss him.

That is the song that was sang at his service. Well not the only song but that particular song made me lose it.
"But I always thought I'd see you again"  That right there. I always thought I would see him again. And now I'll never see him again.
I hurt so bad!

Please pray that I can find closure in this sudden loss.

Sara

Packages Galore!

Today was a big package delivery day. My flowers came today! I am so excited! Also, some tulle arrived, my new power cord for my phone, and a pair of shorts that turned out to be the wrong color.
As more things get here I get more and more excited about the wedding.
Only 72 more days!

Better now..

After many days of being sick I am finally feeling better...Well better enough. I still need usually a dose of zofran (excuse my spelling) a day and am still taking my IBS medicine. Hopefully soon this flare up will be over.
In wedding news, I am almost completely done getting invitations ready to mail out. My dress is in the mail, and the guys outfits are all purchased and either with me or on there way.
Sara

Softball(Finally!)

Hayley has her first softball practice tonite! I am so excited, this is her 4th yr playing and she absolutely LOVES it! So thats what we are doing tonite! How about you?

I'm Angry....

He was taken way to soon. I wish I could post on his facebook wall like everyone else, but I can't seem to find the right words. 

I miss him so much. 

I wish I could go back in time and be a better friend. I wish I had gone down to visit him when I was given the chance. 

BUT I can't. I'm angry because I was denied the chance to go see him, to be with him when he passed. It's not fair, I was all set to go down there on Friday and then Thursday night I was told I couldn't. He was my friend too. I should not have been denied. However, I will be attending the service for him. I don't care that its a 3 hour drive. I WILL be going. I need to go, I need the closure. 

I miss him so much. 

Goodbye My Friend....

Today at 3:30 p.m. one of my very best friends passed away. I am heartbroken and angry. He was 35. Too young. He was one of the most caring sincere loving people I have ever known. He will be missed.

R.I.P. Paul, I love you and will miss you forever.

Flower Girl Basket & Ring Bearer Pillow

My flower girl basket and ring bearer pillow. I absolutely LOVE them and only paid $15 for the set. The tag on the bottom of the pillow says Hobby Lobby so I can only imagine how much this set originally costed. Thank you Craigslist!

My day....

Started at 6:30 a.m. Not good, I am so not a morning person. But today I had a reason. You see my dad isn't in the greatest of health. Recently we found out that he most likely has cancer. Today they wanted to do a biopsy on a spot  on his liver. But first they had/wanted to do a perintesis(forgive my terrible spelling) to make it easier to get to the liver. 

So back to my story, we got up super early drove to the hospital about 1/2 hour away and stayed by his side until they took him back. I love my dad so much and the thought of losing him makes me cry. The sad thing is we (meaning my dad and I) have a strong feeling about exactly whats going on with him. And it probably not good. The good thing? My dad is determined to make it to my wedding. He absolutely loves Scott and can't wait to meet his family. So much in fact that he wants to go to my bridal shower. And he will definitely be attending. I already saw to that. 

Anyways, they finished the procedures around 11ish and he was back in recovery by 11:30. Since they didnt put him to sleep, just concious sedation i believe, he was alert and laying on his stomach when we finally got to see him. Because of his various health problems we knew that he would be there for another 3 hours. Thankfully have 30 minutes he was able to move off his stomach. Thinking back, not the greatest idea. He sat up ate was cheery and so I decided it would be okay to go home. 

I'd only been home for maybe 1/2 hour or so when my sister called. She started our conversation with "Don't freak out but things have gone a little haywire" Turns out my dad had began to have severe pain and couldn't breath. The exact kind of pain we were told to bring him straight to the ER if he experienced it at home. This meant he was most likely bleeding internally from where they did the biopsy.

So it turns out that what should have been an outpatient procedure turned into an over nite stay and some pretty serious pain meds. My poor dad. He has been thru so much and now this. He lives with constant pain every day, goes to dialysis 3 times a week, is legally blind and diabetic. Just to mention a few things. 

They told us 2 business days before we would hear anything about the results. I'm not afraid to admit it but I am so scared. I'm not ready to lose my dad. I haven't had enough time with him. We spent many years not speaking and to this day I regret it. 

So if you made it this far, thank you for reading. I really needed to get this all off my chest. Its been a tough few weeks. I also found out last Friday that one of my best friends is on life support at a hospital in Tennessee, where he lives. He's not doing well at all and I am probably making a trip down there this weekend. I don't want to regret not seeing him and saying good bye if this is his time. 

Nite,

Sara

Bridesmaids Dresses

Keeping up with my current theme ;) I thankfully have a wonderful and talented mother who has agreed to make 3 dresses for my wedding. Which by the way is 88 days away!!! 

So without further ado I give you....

Isn't it pretty?? My matron of honors dress is a brown color and my 2 bridesmaids (my daughter & my matron of honors daughter) will be wearing a more fun pink and brown leopard print. I can't wait til they are done so I can show them off!!!
I'm so excited...

My dress!

Isn't it pretty? The minute I laid my eyes on it I knew it was the one! Its perfect for our wedding too because its not traditional and we are having a very casual ceremony & reception. No tuxedos here!
On another note, I found out today that I am being given a bridal shower on May 19! I'm so excited, I was totally not expecting it but can't wait none the less!
Until tomorrow,
Sara

Wedding Invitation

I'm so excited! I ordered our invitations last nite..I ended up ordering thru Staples.com and got really nice ones for a decent price. So I thought I would pop in and show off our invitation!

92 days..

Until Scott & I get married!!!!
I'm so excited I can't wait!

So yeah, that's what I've been up to. Planning a wedding. Which is going extremely well...If only I could narrow down a dress for myself and wedding invitations.